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Jul 8, 2006
....

My life is falling apart...Amanda started dating this other guy named Matt, and now she told me today that she loves him and wnats to be with him.  I guess i am just as big of a dumbass i as i've always thought.  I actually thought a girl cared about me for a change.  And as many times as she's cheated on me and hurt me i still can't get over her.  I've tried to get over her and i know shes the one for me and i can't even do anything about it.  Everything i've ever felt about her means nothing now.  I hate myself so freaking much and not to mention i found out yesterday at work that starting Monday my hours are gona be cut to 20 hours a week.  Id like to just lay down and die right now. 

Posted at 03:21 pm by clayg13
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Mar 4, 2006
...

it's officially over between me and Amanda i assume.  She did it again.  I hate this.  As much as i know i can't be with her, for some moronic reason, i still want to be with her.  There's no meter as to how much i hurt inside.  I wasn't the best at alot of that stuff, but i didnt cheat.  I love her and i always will.  I wish i had never met her.  It hurts so bad to be with someone for 4 and a half years just for this to happen.  She helped me through a part of my life that i dont think i would have survived if it hadn't been for her.  Even is she doesn't realize it.  At the same time though, i wish i hadn't.  I hate myself for loving her.  It's just so hard to grasp what has happened.  I haven't talked to her since Tuesday, how could she ignore me like that after all we been through?  The same thoughts keep rolling through my head over and over.  This was the best 4 and a half years of my life, and now there over.  I don't think alot of people realize just to what depth she meant to me.  It was different.  I don't think i could have stayed with someone that long, that was so far away, if it wasn't her.  We got along so well.  We had so many things in common and she was everything i was looking for, and still am.  I was looking thorugh some stuff last night and found an old letter that she had sent me (i have every single one of them) and she had put some of her perfume on it...plus the way she talked in those letters, made me feel special, now that i think about it, she hasn't acted that way about me in a long time.  I miss that and i always will.  I'm so confused on what to do, because if i just walk away now (which i know i probabally should do), i could be missing something great.  However, if i dont, i could get hurt again.  This being of course, if she even loves me anymore.  This is the toughest thing i've had to deal with in a long time.  This hurts just as bad as the first time she cheated on me.  I just have this feeling that if we were togehter, things would be different.  But, i was trying to be there, i have half of the money saved up to move on.  Being poor screwed me over i guess.  I have a great job, i was willing to gvie this up to be with her.  That's how much she means to me.  Nobody seems to understand that she wasn't just another girlfriend.  She was the one and i know it.  I don't want to be that person that just settles for someone when they know there not the right one.  But, what if he is the right one for her?  What does that leave for me?  Atleast, maybe she will be happy.  That's all i have to say.

Clay


Posted at 03:00 pm by clayg13
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Dec 13, 2005
Birthday......

Hey, today was my birthday.  Whoopdeefriggindoo.  My cousins told me happy birthday (for the second day in a row lol).  I had to work all day though.  I bought myself a cell phone.  It's a black Motorola Razr phone.  It's cool.  My dad never called me though.  Amanda didn't say happy birthday until i got upset at her and happened to mention that she hadn't.  My sister told me happy birthday from her friends house last night.  But, he never called.  My mom didn't either, but that doesn't really suprise me.  My aunt bought me dinner yesterday, and bought me two pairs of pants.  The food was good, we had Chinese.  First time i've had it in about a month due to lack of time and money.  Oh well, i gotta go.

Posted at 11:05 pm by clayg13
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Dec 6, 2005
Answers

This entry may seem just as stupid as every other one i've ever written.  But, i dont have anything to lose.  This is stuff that i've never told anyone about me and that i want off of my chest.  People can care or they cannot.  I dont care.

- My confidence...

I probabally have less confidence in myself then anyone in this world.  It stems from alot of places.  It's not anyones fault, maybe its just something i wasnt meant to deal with.  I dont like my looks.  I don't like my personallity.  I don't like myself...period.  Here are a few examples.

This is stupid, im done.

Posted at 09:01 pm by clayg13
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Nov 26, 2005
The entry not worth a title.

Hey, i'm back again.  Over the last year or so, this blog has been the outlet for my feelings and pain.  I feel like this may have finally came to a head.  I don't want to go into alot of details.  But, i realize i am a moron, and have been for 4 and a half years.  Because, the truth is, in life it doesn't matter how much you love someone.  It doesn't matter how much you commit yourself to someone.  Your feelings do not matter at all.  What would you do if everything you worked for over the course of 5 years turned out to be a big pile of nothing?  Where do you turn next?  This is probabally confusing, i guess its a good thing nobody reads it.  Why does god make us love people if it's not going to matter in the end?  How could i be with smeone for five years, just to realize that they werent with me?  I have so many pent up feelings inside that i'm not sure what to do with them.  If someone loves someone, then how could you repeadidly do the things they do.  How is it possible to be hurt so bad by someone, and over all of that, you still want to be with them forever?  At what point does your heart over-rule itself?  How can your heart be so in love, but yet so hurt by the same source?  The question that all these questions lead up to is this...

If someone really truly loves you, then how could they hurt you?  How could they do the things they do?  Is it possible to love someone and do those things simultaniusly?  Maybe i'm over thinking it.  Maybe i just want to be loved so bad that i can't give up.  I know i should give up at this point.  But, i can't.  At what point does your love overcome your pain?  That is all for me.


Ohio is for lovers  ::  Hawthorne Heights


Hey there,
I know it's hard to feel like I don't care at all.
Where you are and how you feel.
With these lights off as these wheels
keep rolling on and on. (and on and on and on...)
Slow things down or speed them up.
Not enough or way too much. (and on and on and on...)
How are you when I'm gone?

[Chorus:]
And I can't make it on my own.
(And I can't make it on my own.)
Because my heart is in Ohio.
So cut my wrists and black my eyes.
(Cut my wrists and black my eyes)
So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.
Because you kill me.
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.

Spare me just three last words.
"I love you" is all she heard.
I'll wait for you, but I can't wait forever.
[x2]

[Chorus:]
And I can't make it on my own.
(And I can't make it on my own.)
Because my heart is in Ohio.
So cut my wrists and black my eyes.
(Cut my wrists and black my eyes)
So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.
Because you kill me.
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.

You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.

(YOU...KILL...ME...WELL)
So cut my wrists and black my eyes.
My final breath is gone
So I can fall asleep tonight

[Chorus:]
And I can't make it on my own.
(And I can't make it on my own.)
Because my heart is in Ohio.
So cut my wrists and black my eyes.
(Cut my wrists and black my eyes)
So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.
Because you kill me.
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.

(YOU...KILL...ME...WELL)
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.
[to fade]

Posted at 01:08 pm by clayg13
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Jul 22, 2005
Deseo que Justin moriría. Lo odio.

  Y me odio también.  Ése es todo.

Posted at 10:05 pm by clayg13
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May 29, 2005
me...

I don't understand anything that happens in life.  I feel so stupid, even more than usual.  Amanda has a new "friend".  His name is Justin.  I'm glad she has friends and all.  But, i found out that they kissed once.  I love her more than anything and i can't imagine being wiht anyone else.  But, i'm scared if i stay i'm gona put myself in a situation to get really bad hurt again.  I don't think i even fit in in this world.  I always seem out of place and i'm not good at anything.  If she loved me then how could she do that?  I would never do that to her.  I'm fine with her friend, well i was...  But, i dont like how much time she spends with him.  I don't ever get to talk to her, and yet he gets to talk to her whenever he wants.  All i want is her attention and to be a part of her life.  Yet, i always end up feeling rejected.  I'm sure he doesn't have to worry about that.  I just don't understand whats so bad about me.  I try to be a good guy.  Why do girls always ignore me.  I don't wnat some skank that dates guys for fun, i wnat someone who actually loves me and wants me.  I know that if i ask her to choose one of us...well...i doubt it would be me.  If god hates me so bad then how come he won't take me.  Instead he takes people like JP, he actually had somethin to live for, he was good at music, he could have gone somewhere.  Or Justin, if someone would have just helped him before it was to late he'd still be alive.  Why couldn't he justhave taken me.  I hate me.  I hate me.  I hate me.  Even if its a horrible misserable death, if i could save someone else.  I know i'm just rambling, but i'm just thinking whatever crosses my mind.  I don't know what to do about Amanda.  I just wish she would stop hurting me.  Maybe there isn't anyone out there for me.  I don't understand how all these guys that don't even care about there girlfriends have the ones that wont cheat on them and actually care.  I respect girls and yet i always get screwed.  Amanda would be perfect if it weren't for the whole faithfulness issue.  I know there has to be somethin behind it, i just don't know what.  That's all i have to say for now.  I just wish girlsl iked me...

Posted at 12:35 am by clayg13
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Apr 10, 2005
...:.:.:.:...

This is just another post to vent my feelings for the day.  Right now i'm feeling rejected, ya i know you've probabally heard this before.  Amanda wnats to go to prom, and i am fine wiht that.  But, it just happens to be on the ONLY day we can talk every week right now.  I kinda got upset and acted stupid over it.  I don't know if she understands why i do it or not.  I know girls are all obsessed with prom and all of that bs.  I just wish it didn't mean me not getting to talk to her.  Between her dad working on Saturdays and other stuff happening, i don't get to talk to her as much as i'd like.  When she can't get on on Saturday, she gets on Sunday morning to talk to me, but that never lasts anymore tahn 15 minutes usually.  It's like she doesn't have time for me.  She's going with her step dads sisters kid.  I trust her but it does make me worry.  If no other girl has ever paid me any attention, then why would she?  Maybe i'm just a dumbass.  If i had a life then i could keep myself occupied better.  I hate me.

Posted at 12:15 pm by clayg13
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Feb 13, 2005
Screw Valentines day

That's all i need to say.

Posted at 02:36 am by clayg13
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Jan 1, 2005
T.A.R.

T.A.R.

 

My head is full of things

Things I don't have the guts to do.

For you my heart sings

But I don't think you a clue.

 

My head was full of dreams

Dreams I had not the money or brains to conquer.

None of that matters now it seems.

Because, without you, I don't care if I go farther.

 

My head is full of memories

Times you told me you loved me.

Now I wonder if all of these

Were just lies I couldn’t see.

 

My head was full of goals

But, now I am just feeling blue

If to get to your heart there was a toll,

I’d pay my last dime just to get to you.


Posted at 10:39 pm by clayg13
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